another possible routine

"Have you ever been demonically possessed?"
--A. Gaskill

tell me what you think

I'm still working on this even though it will probaly never happen [i.e. me be a comedian/funnyman]. However, I did enjoy playing around this idea for a stand up of some sorts.

ahem...

1. Let's take a brief look at some of the fast food commercials over the recent years/months. We got the McDonald's that generally advertises that it's open early [5am-ish], it's all over the breakfast and you get your morning coffee. Next is Burger King. The Burger King you often see the King and Mr. Angus. Following is Taco Bell. Advertises to the late nighter and I need remind you that the Chalupa or Gordita is Mexican. At least, not the Mexico I know. Wendy's. Another late nighter, this time 'till 1am. Carl's Jr. is also on this list with the chicken and the cow and some other weird stuff. And we will then finish with Arby's who finally did away with the oven mitt which will be discussed.

Now with those reminders let us imagine these commercial entities as people. Honest to goodness real people. What kind of people would they be?

Picture your McDonald's man. He would be your business man type dad. Up early, slightly uptight, on time and kind of snappy. You would see him with a never end cup of decaf [I mean come on, he's got to slow down]. And at the end of the night his eye is still twitching.

Wendy's? She'd be your college age sister who still lives at home. She's always out late. You know, the party type. Why doesn't she move out? I have no clue.

Carl's Jr? Ah, Carl. Junior to his close buddies. He's your freaking cool neighbor with the HUGE entertainment system. I mean, this thing is massive. He's great and fun but, if you spend too much time with the man you'll probably develop epillepsy.

Arby's? She's your hippie cousin named Freedom. Age 26. Just went through a mid-life crisis. Thrice. This week she's veagan.

Burger King is something else. He's your creepy Uncle Jerry. Though he's hilarious, he gives everyone the willies. Especially when you wake up at 6:57am with him in your face singing "You make me feel like a natural woman" while playing the spoons. Eh.....I'm going to take a shower.

Then we have the Taco Bell. He's your neighborhood ethnic kid. Raúl Constantino Hernández Fuentes. His mom is an illegal alien but he was born in Pocatello, ID. He's got an insane amount of mexican pride though he's never been there. Oh and he kind of speaks spanish. Um, not really.

Well, there's your outline. Maybe I shouldn't play around with these ideas. At least I had fun while it lasted. Thanks.

Dream A Dream

"You can thank my dental hygienist for our untimely aliveness."
--The Tick

I don't see how I could have missed this


I had this dream maybe thrice. It is one of the few dreams that I actually remember. Why? Two reasons: first, it's weirder than anything that TAITO ever came out with. Witness -->

Second, it's also one of the funniest things my brain has ever come up with. The probablem [problem and probably somehow fit together] is that I was asleep when I came up with this.

Here it goes. For some reason I'm contracted for the mob. I don't why and what for, I just am. Because I remember being in some tall building is some huge city. Let's say, Orland Park, just west of Chicago [I generally try to avoid downtown]. I probably work for myself because of my awesome ability to fly. But with this awesome ability to fly, I also spurt the equivalent of Tinker Bell dust all over the freaking place. I'm just in normal late 90's get-up and this gold dust is falling everywhere. And so on.


Along this notion that I work for myself is that the mob sends two hitmen after me. And they're both dressed up like Boba Fett. Plus they fly too! So here I am minding my own business when the two Boba Fett characters jump me. They jumped me!! Can you believe it? There was this awesome mid-flight battle that raged across the night sky. Turns out they give a pretty mean battle. However it was my wits in the end that saved me. I beat them in with their own helmets. Maybe wits was the wrong word. I think I'll use ethos. Beyond that I don't remember much.

That's pretty much the coolest dream I've ever had.

You probably don't want to read this

"But the problem is that she has morals."
--Brando

If you want to learn...

Now, to tell you the truth, I can hock a loogie. By the way, this post comes up thanks to one miss L'Afro who stated that can't do distance with a loogie. I can. So, this post is to teach you how. If you don't want to learn, that's okay. I don't blame you. But I say it is quite satisfying to let loose of all mannerisms and let one fly across the way.

First of all, you need some amount of phlegm. No questions. If all you got is saliva, you're screwed. Substance adds the mass you need for aerodynamics and power to cut through wind. No substance means big time mess. Do not spit against the wind. That's bad. Getting the phlegm you ask? Well, you know that part in the back of your mouth? No, too low, that's your uvula. Yeah, right there! It comes from there. Be creative on your abilities to coax that stuff out. Good work.

Second, placement of substance prior to actual ejection from mouth. This is actually very important. Imagine, you have substance. Now pull the tip of your tongue down and back to where the substance is between your tongue and gums below the teeth. This allows for the necessary power for distance. Placed anywhere else and you've got resistance. And that can be fatal to a distance competition.

In between second and third is the formation of the mouth when it is time to let fly. Your lips pretty much have to be pursed. And this is the best way to describe the best formation of lips when it comes to the hocking of said loogie: you know that moment when you're pulling back from a kiss and you haven't let go yet, but your mouth is still open? That's the sweet tenderness. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of a good kiss or a good loogie, your time will come.

Third, take a deep breath and let it fly. Blow hard and force that substance out! Granted, it takes a bit of practice but with the basics, you'll have your own style. Those of you with manners and morals, it's all good. I tell you, there's something about just letting one out. No other satisfaction like it. I say at least try it once. Even if it for curiosity.

I want to ask you how you feel but that's probably inappropiate

"I just got game-overed!!"
--Ben, while playing Zelda64

This really happened to me

This is more story time. I'm hanging out with Fliptastic, L'Afro and extra-curricular friend Haley. Here we are this, that and everything including horrible date stories. We all know how that goes. So, all in all, it's a good time. During said time I gets a phone call. I don't recognize the number but will answer anyway. This happens now and again. And this is basically how the conversation went:

Me: Hello?

man: Hi! Is one Emily there?

Me: No...

man: Who is this?

Me: I'm Felipe, some sort of BYU student doing my own thing.

man: Is this 801[rattles of my phone number]

Me: Yup.

man: Oh...I guess I'll try another number...[sounding really, truly disappointed]

Me: Good Luck!!

Here are my thoughts. This man got hosed! Probably went to some sort of dance/party. More than likely went with a bunch of guy friends likely roommates. Goes out does a shimmy or two. Grows a little bit of courage and makes conversation with other peoples many of which are of the female gender. Good for him. He even has enough courage left over to ask for a girls phone number. This girl however, gave him not her phone number, but probably one she made up which happens to be mine. We might have the same prefix but, that doesn't help said boy. At all really. Now he just feels crappy. Maybe Emily wasn't even her name. Trust, what do we need that for? We all want a good time. And by so doing lead to the hosing of a man. I hope he finds what he's looking for.

C:\>Good Luck_

You are quite attractive

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there"
--Josh Billings

Means to an end

I think this is a great story but I need to give some background of the inner workings of my job for understanding. So hence: Generally work isn't all that exciting. Like most jobs, there are a lot of things that have to be done in a certain order of events. When someone comes in to return an item or something we cashiers need what we call a "keyturn". This consists of us using the scanner to scan the barcode on the back of the manager's name badge. This happens all the time. So, over time we start using phrases like "Can I borrow your authority?" or "I need to scan you" and various other forms of the those questions and/or demands.

Storytime: One attractive female was returning an item without a receipt which requires an extra keyturn of an upper level manager [about level 40]. Amber came to my rescue to bag the merchandise that the attractive young female was also buying. I told Amber what was up and did my thing. After typing in a few numbers and pressing enter and tab in the necessary order it was time for me to get a keyturn from Amber. So I turn to Amber who is right behind me and I say, "Can I scan you?". Amber pulls out her badge and I scan. Whilst while we hear "Did you just ask if you could scan me?" Apparently said attractive female thought I was talking to her. Amber said the female was slightly taken aback and a bit giddy. We had to let her down. The whole happenstance was quite humorous. Good day indeed.

Grandma 'fros

"Your knickers are falling down granny."
--Kersina Miller

They come in blue and purple!!

If you take notice long enough, you'll find these nice old ladies with the greatest afros you could ever imagine. I, working at a cheaper priced department store, get to see all kinds of stuff. This will include the dirtiest mullets you've ever seen, bullets [what I consider a cross between a bowl cut and a mullet], Señor Cardgage comb-overs and my personal favorite, grandmas with purple afros.

There are these old ladies with this amazing hair. This impressive mass of hair on average sticking out at least 3 inches from the scalp. Most common colors are gray, blue and purple. I'm not allowed to have such hair, but the grandmas can pull it off. How is this possible? I don't know, but I do think it's still pretty cool.

When I'm old, I'm shaving my head. That's it.

possible routine

"License never replace eyes, ears or brain."
--Mr. Miyagi, Karate Kid

get things done in your hometown

Now, it may be possible that you're from a small town. I'm from a small-ish town. Every place is different, we know that. Then we have towns that every makes fun of. My cousins do happen to be from Kenilworth, UT. Ever hear of it? Not many people have. It has the population of sagebrush and garbage dump. It's about three miles east of Helper. Like that helps much.

But the thing is that often times, some things need to get fixed in a town. Maybe there's a building that needs to get torn down and replaced. Or there's a sign that's all kinds of ghetto. I don't know, something that when you see it, you get the shivers. Think the following. Try it, I dare you. Sometimes, things just need to get fixed though they've probably been ignored for the past several days, months and/or years. Hello, Miller apartments. And sometimes the only way or time that things might get fixed, is when said thing is in absolute disarray or destroyed.

My point is thus: If you want things to fixed, you might have to cause some ruckus and get things destroyed. Or at least cause some decent amount of damage. When you do that, you're bound to attract attention to what needs to be fixed. I've done this before though, not intentionally for fixing up Kenilworth.

Here are the examples:

There's my cousin B-Joe who had decided to sit himself on top the Kenilworth sign as you head into said municipal. Nothing wrong with that of course. It's not too hard to get up there. While upon said municipal sign cousin Jeremy [driving his illustrious 'I am from the middle of butt-nowhere' truck] proceeds to drive into the sign while his little brother was still atop. B-Joe didn't fall and no one was hurt, but the sign was definitly off center. I come back the next day, and the sign is gone. We all know why. I come back next year and they have a new sign up. 'Bout time.

Example #2: In the said same municipal of Kenilworth, the boys and I causing a little bit of ruckus. We were doing something called the "Floating Newspaper Trick" which consists of a newspaper, some thread and two reflector posts on either side of the road. Cars stop and people check it out. We few trouble-makers are either hiding in a nearby tree [Mikey and I] or in some sagebrush [Andy and B-Joe]. This is all good fun, correct? Correct. Now, there came a point where I had to use some indoor plumbing. I also pick up cousin Bubba [not his real name but we call him that anyway]. Upon our return to the place of wreaking small amounts of trouble we get word from their neighbors that a car went into the ditch. We panic, of course. Apparantly, some grandma-type lady had stopped, observed the newspaper in front of her never exiting the car, backed up and tried to go around. This wouldn't be so bad but the fact that there was a ditch on both sides of the road at that point, grandma fell in. She couldn't get out of the car. Peoples came up and helped her out. A cop showed up. Andy and B-Joe came off from the side claiming to be looking for a black labrador. Bubba gives the old lady a hug. We go home as all the neighbors are trying trying to get the car up and out. So, we're in the house talking and what have you about the incidents of the day and/or night when we realize we haven't seen hide nor hair of Mikey. We don't worry or look for him, just wonder where the blazes he is at the time. About an hour or two later he shows up and we inquire of his whereabouts. Turns out he was still in the tree above the grandma lady the entire time. At least three hours. Poor sap. Good times. I come back a year or two later and notice that the ditches on the sides of the road had been filled during my absence. So, in essence, we've done a lot of good for the town.

The point is, if something needs to get done, do a little destruction. You'll be amazed at what that does. Sidenote: I don't ever plan on doing these things again.

Hello, my name is Easy

"It was a very respectable speak-easy sir."
--Anthony Rossano, Oscar

Watch what you put on your nametag

So, as I'm doing some shopping [this will happen every now and again] I get some of the usuals. I'm done shopping. I go to the check out stand for 20 items or less so I cam pay electronic money and get myself going. The girl at the check out is nice enough to do her job. As an employee, she obviously has a nametag. I take a glance [because most people do] at the nametag. First word I saw was ""EASY". That's odd. Generally nobody names their kid Easy.

After taking another inconspicuous look or two I did notice that Easy was not her name. Her name was actually Jessica or something like that. But her printed name was nowhere near as prominent as the word Easy. The tag did have some sort of explanation going on but I didn't care to read it because I was too busy thinking that I thought her name was Easy.

There are plenty of things you should never name your kid. Easy is one of those names. In fact, I hope it's not even a name. Also, you should never name your kid after a vehicle. "Hello, my name is Dodge Ram."

Our next opponent is UNICEF!!

"If you did that, I would have to bring about the second coming."--Cami

Once again we went through another acronym on the vanity mirrors. True, this one was a bit more difficult considering it was freaking UNICEF!! And I'm really happy that cleaning checks [which I rocked house!!] came and we had to erase all graffiti. Anyways, this is what we had:

I want to make a donation to UNICEF

Uniformed Navies In Certain Energy Failures
Union of Narcoleptics Inviting Comatose Easy Frogs
Unimpressive Nudists In Carefully Enclosed Forests
Ugly Nerds Intrepidly Cursing Extreme Fractals
Uninsured Nebraskans In Cars Exporting Fuel
Uninterrupted Natives Incubating Chicks Enough Flammable
Ubiquitous Namibians Intercepting Californians Ever Fleeing
United Nocturnal Insects & Creatures Equally Fearsome
Ugandans & Norwegians Icing Crustaceans Endearingly Friendly
Uniform Negative Inversions on Cepstrally Equivalent Forms
Unintentionally Nasty Insursions of Cauliflower-Eating Futons
Unyielding Natural Incinerations by Careless Evil Flames
Usurping Nationalists Intent on Capturing Errol Flynn
Uninterred Necrotic Individuals Convene Every Friday

Some of these are really weird. But it's still fun. And let's keep them minimally disgusting guys. Thanks.

Vanity vs. BLT

"You're eye-socketing my knee!"--Doctress Jones

Once again, we have a vanity and a dry erase marker and we went nuts!! Thus following has covered nearly all mirror space. Now I can't take a good look at my face to pop zits!! Or something like that. This is what was written:

Anyone want to go get a BLT?

Brontosaurus Love Triangle
Big Likable Tortilla
Bangladeshi Lazer Tag
Ben's Linguistic Talent
Belly-dancing Llama Team
Bellicose Lung Teacher
Badger Loving Tartan
Bionic Louse Tourism
Buried Liver Tissue
Burning Lilac Tree
Bite-size Lycopene Treat
Bebop Listening Trekkies
Blue LeoTards
Beating Live Tadpoles
Belching Like Tajiks
Barbaric Leprous Troopers
Benign Lazer Turtles
Biggest Little Township
[Sparks?]
Boring Legalese Talkers
Burgeoning Language Teachers
[Jer?]
Boron Looting Troglodytes
Blinking Light Terraces
Born Like Tarantulas
Bowling Leprochauns Tournament
Bovine Lushes Treaty
Befriending Laminated Tucans
Beligerant Lyposuction Trainees
Banal Laborious Tasks
Bonnie Lass's Tapshoes
Back-water Lagoon Trout
Brown Lemur Tax
[baddest tax in the whole dang town!]
Brownie Loathing Towheads
Blonde, Lovely Theorizers
Blind Lecherous Twerps
Battle Losing Tasmanians
Banking, Lettuce and Tomato
Bizarre Lioness Treaty
Bilious Lottery Trucker
Burnt Love Tony
[Danza?]
Babies Learning Trigonometry
Bashful Larynx Tickler
Blue Line Tonsils
Brick Laying Tarantula
Beeping Lip Timer
Beckoning Lyposuction Torture
Basilisk Lard Transformer
Best Love Transvestites
[Tim Curry?]
Barking Lifelike Terriers
Bulgarians, Latvians and Turks
[oh my!]
Bleeding Limb Tourniquet
Brazilian Lust Trap
Belly-button Lint Toupée
Bare Lake Tadies
[It's been how many weeks?]
Belch Love Tenderly

As written on the vanity mirror

"The walls in the 53rd precinct are bleeding."--Ghostbusters

Thank heavens for dry erase markers. We write notes to help us remember to acquire certain goods and what have you. Thus following was written on the mirror over the past while:

WE NEED TP

1. Toxicology Pampering
2. Tennis Players
3. tiny pickles
4. Tuba Packering
5. Trail-blazing Peacocks
6. Trim Perpetrators
7. Tourist Police
8. Turbulent Parasites
9. Tripe Popsicles
[they're intestilicious!!]
10. Tandem Parachutes
11. Titanic Pants
12. Trail-blazing poodles
13. Turtle Pouch
["I'll just put that in my turtle pouch"]
14. Traveling Penguins
15. Talkative Portals
[labyrinth?]
16. Terrifying Plankton
17. Translucent Porridge
18. Triumphant Pummelings
19. Terrorist Pizza
20. Telekenetic Pastors
21. Telemarketers Punishment
22. Time Preserves
23. Turbid Pineapple-juice
["Just like mom used to make!"]
24. Toiletry Prowess
25. Tablative Perfection
26. Towdry Pixies
27. Tortugas Perversas
28. Tender Pterodactyls
29. Tsar Psychosis
30. Treacle-flavored Phytoplankton
31. Tepid Pancreas
32. Trembling Polygons
33. Took, peregrine
34. Torturous Pilates
35. Treacherous Parakeets
36. Tangy Pistoliers
37. Typewriter Poop
38. Tater-tot Puke
39. Tyrannical Paraguayans
[Viva Stroessner!!]
40. Temporary Punks
41. Trash-talking Playuhs
42. Traveling Pants
[sisterhood of?]
43. Treacled Postage-stamps
44. Territorial P_______?
45. Tap-Dancing Pipsqueaks
46. Tupperware Pokémon
47. Typecast Pirates