another possible routine

"Have you ever been demonically possessed?"
--A. Gaskill

tell me what you think

I'm still working on this even though it will probaly never happen [i.e. me be a comedian/funnyman]. However, I did enjoy playing around this idea for a stand up of some sorts.

ahem...

1. Let's take a brief look at some of the fast food commercials over the recent years/months. We got the McDonald's that generally advertises that it's open early [5am-ish], it's all over the breakfast and you get your morning coffee. Next is Burger King. The Burger King you often see the King and Mr. Angus. Following is Taco Bell. Advertises to the late nighter and I need remind you that the Chalupa or Gordita is Mexican. At least, not the Mexico I know. Wendy's. Another late nighter, this time 'till 1am. Carl's Jr. is also on this list with the chicken and the cow and some other weird stuff. And we will then finish with Arby's who finally did away with the oven mitt which will be discussed.

Now with those reminders let us imagine these commercial entities as people. Honest to goodness real people. What kind of people would they be?

Picture your McDonald's man. He would be your business man type dad. Up early, slightly uptight, on time and kind of snappy. You would see him with a never end cup of decaf [I mean come on, he's got to slow down]. And at the end of the night his eye is still twitching.

Wendy's? She'd be your college age sister who still lives at home. She's always out late. You know, the party type. Why doesn't she move out? I have no clue.

Carl's Jr? Ah, Carl. Junior to his close buddies. He's your freaking cool neighbor with the HUGE entertainment system. I mean, this thing is massive. He's great and fun but, if you spend too much time with the man you'll probably develop epillepsy.

Arby's? She's your hippie cousin named Freedom. Age 26. Just went through a mid-life crisis. Thrice. This week she's veagan.

Burger King is something else. He's your creepy Uncle Jerry. Though he's hilarious, he gives everyone the willies. Especially when you wake up at 6:57am with him in your face singing "You make me feel like a natural woman" while playing the spoons. Eh.....I'm going to take a shower.

Then we have the Taco Bell. He's your neighborhood ethnic kid. Raúl Constantino Hernández Fuentes. His mom is an illegal alien but he was born in Pocatello, ID. He's got an insane amount of mexican pride though he's never been there. Oh and he kind of speaks spanish. Um, not really.

Well, there's your outline. Maybe I shouldn't play around with these ideas. At least I had fun while it lasted. Thanks.

This Holiday Season

"Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today!"
--Phil Conners, Groundhog Day

reminds me that January is coming

Yesterday I looked outside and saw that Utah Valley was in the midst of a snow storm. Immediately I got depressed. I am not a fan of winter. Everything becomes cold, dark and grey. November and December have always been decent to me but nowadays serve as a reminder. A reminder that January is soon to be here. January is waiting for me. Waiting to take every part of my life and make it miserable. It has for pretty much the last five years. Especially years three and five where I was left bitter, mean, nearly soul-less and without previous friends. Every year it's been starting earlier my fears. And Christmas break is always the calm before the storm. Christmas is the time where all my current fears find me and take me over. This usually leads to some sort of explosion in early/mid January where all I fear comes true.

As of right now I'm considering a few things. Like, whether if I want dig myself into a hole and a repeat. Or if I'm actually digging said hole if it exists. Do/Should I take that shovel? Will it be more like a spade? Can I enjoy myself? Will I be myself? Winter has something against me.

This needs to stop. Now.

practice

"I'll ripple your mother's....."
--K. Stockton

we were sent there

First of all to Teenie: Wouldn't you like to know, HA!

Second: There was a call for soccer practice tonight. I'm all over anytime I can get to play. Since we haven't had a game for nearing two weeks, Jared called so we could touch the ball and kick it around some. I tell you it was nice to run and somewhat try to get into some sort of shape. Possibly a triangle. The meeting place was in the SFH just inside the track on one side. Some lady then walks up and informs us that soccer is not permissable at the desired premises. She may as well have told us not to breathe. Anyways we strike up a conversation trying to sucker her into letting us play. She suggests that we try the IPF down the way. We agree, take some orange cones and head over. Turns out the place is dark and very locked. Jared knows the code to get in the back way through the men's bathroom and we break in.

It's relatively dark inside but we make do. Playing some sort of keep away game and we work on moving the ball around. Not bad. We're checking the doors every now and again. At one time there shows up a security guard to look inside. We of course freak out and run off to a corner. We gather all of our stuff and split soon after. What a nice little rush. We almost forgot the cones. No one caught us. Take that security! Had some good laughs and we're pumped for Thursdays game.

Stories

"We're going to buy his teeth at the store."
--Lily Smith, age 3

something, something.....

Well, not a whole lot to say so I'm just summing up a few stories. Ahem...

1. We now have cameras at work. So, I'm at the register kind of cleaning stuff up. I start talking to one female coworker who was passing by. Good chat, just kind of goofing off and passing time with conversation. The phone rings nearby. It's my supervisor telling me to stop hitting on the coworker. We all laugh. Later on I tell my supervisor that I scored the cowokers digits.

2. Thanksgiving was with Flippin' and his family. Lazy day and I enjoyed myself. More on this I won't tell.

3. Watched Tron on Thanksgiving Eve. All mirth and jollity. There were about four or five times I almost peed my pants. Maybe just a little.

4. Grandpa calls mom. Why? There's a message on his machine in chinese. Hence, he needed Sally's phone number who knows chinese to translate. He gets phone number and calls Sally. Turns out the message was in spanish and was a telemarketer of sorts. Well done Grandpa. You're amazing.

5. Maybe I'll have something more later. I might have an idea or two on posts. Sorry about the lameness this time around. So um, intake 7100 calories and drive home politically safe.

I'm all about the Laser Beams

"If you're good, you might see a shooting star"
--???

conversation with customers

Imagine a mom, a dad and four kids. Imagine that four coats are being purchased. Imagine a child asks about the security sensors. And this is how it goes:

kid 1: So, what are these things?

mom: If you mess with those they might get ink everywhere.

me : actually, I think these ones shoot laser beams.

kids: wow!! Really?

mom: The man knows what he's talking about.

me : They do a lot of damage.

kid 2: Show us!!

me : I can't, the lasers would destroy things all over the place and I would lose my job.

mom: And we don't want him to blow a hole through the roof.

me : This is true.

kids: Okay.


That might have been the coolest thing ever today. +10 pts.

There are stories not told

"You can flirt your way out of overdue fines at the library."
--Lorena Garcia

I needed this one, thanks chicken coop

hey flops! i talked with eileen tonight and it made me realize that i hadn't talked with you in awhile. hope you're doing well and not freezing too bad w/o your hair. i'll count my pennies and think of you.

Honesty is a blunt medicine

"This ham spits in your general direction!"
--Tamsen

They're more like guidelines if we like you

We have rules. Rules of the land of rules of the common people. Some are written and some are not. How these rules apply to you varies on your attitude. Really, they do. Basically, the bigger [favorite explicit noun that would make your mother blush] you are, the more the rules apply to you. Also this applies to the fact if you're less willing to take responsibility, I will pound the rules into your soul. For me, there is no escaping in you're an *****.

Stories:
I deal with a lot of freaks when it comes to returns. Now, we could be real sticklers on it if we abided by it word for word. But we let the smaller things slide. Now, there was a lady who tried to return some stuff that was completely hosed and denied most if not all responsibility. We didn't return it. Of course she swore a cuss and caused a ruckus, hence we laid down the law. Word for word. Other people we'll just say "we usually don't do this but we'll take care of it". All because of their attitude. My manager has told me that she specifically denied returns solely on the attitude of a person. I can deal with that. Then we have people with legit reasons and deal with the details. After those people I thank the Lord for helping a decent person.

Then we have cops. Try arguing with cops. That will get you nowhere. Just let them do their thing if you get pulled over. They'll hint the easy way out and you're on your way. They'll lower the level of the citation or drop it mostly. Just take what you deserve. I'm sure it must be nice for them not deal with someone freaking out at them.

I guess the moral of this post is take some responsibility. There's nothing wrong dealing with not so lucky happenings in your life. Last time I checked, life wasn't fair. So why complain? Take a loss. Surprisingly enough, I'm content.

C:\>Good_Luck_

saying what's on my mind

"Let me put down my bag of rats."
--Janitor dude, Scrubs

this happens more when we're friends

I'm a big fan of this: saying aloud the ideas you have at the moment. I happen to do this a lot. Especially if I know you well and I like you. For those of you who know me well, isn't it true that I am more blunt and slightly off color. I'll lose all fear of saying whatever comes to mind. I think life is a lot funnier that way. Of course this turns me into a level 7 jerkface for doing so. For example:

Wednesday at work there is the linens manager Sarah who is all kinds of rad and she comes in wearing a red v-neck shirt, a black skirt and red sequined shoes like unto Dorothy of Oz. I mean, she looked pretty happening. The next day she comes in and I see her with a different set of clothes on to which I immediately say, "You know, you looked a lot saucier yesterday!" She hated me for the rest of the day. But we still had some good laughs, mostly because she got real snappy at me. Still, everyone at work knows that I'll say whatever.

So, it pretty much comes down to this, if I don't really know you, I'll probably keep my mouth shut. If I know you, I'll end up saying some pretty weird crap. No offense, I really mean no harm. And if you say something kind of at the level of what I said to Sarah, I'll more than likely laugh. A lot.

Another thing I discovered is that you can say something really foul and have it not really go against you. All you need to do is this, hold your tongue. Then you make faces and say something along these lines, "ooh, I just thought of something completely horrible/foul/five your mom jokes". This will get the listening party really, really curious of what just went through your mind. They'll ask that you say what you thought. You refuse. They'll say "ah, come on!" and they push the matter a little bit. Then you tell. Then they'll cringe and shudder. But they won't blame you and everything is a lot funnier. Believe me, it works.

Population Growth: The Musical

"Don't punish me to make Ben cool."
--Doug, the Doug

ask babytalk.com please

"See Our Breasts"
[sing to the tune of "Be Our Guest" from Beauty and the Beast]

See our breasts, see our breasts--
Everywhere, half-naked chests
While we nurse,
The prudish curse
And wish we'd button up our vests.
Sorry, folks, look away
If we're too décolleté,
But this is what boobs are made for,
Not those Wonderbras you're paid for.
We refuse to go feed
Hunched in bathroom stalls--indeed,
We're appalled that you would make such rude requests,
Would you agree to eat
Upon a toilet seat?
See our breasts, see our breasts, free our breasts!

My commentary

Well, first of all I work at the BCF where we have a department called Baby Depot. Hence, we have all kinds of baby paraphanelia including Babytalk magazine where I read said lyrics. Now, I'll give myself a chance to look through and read a few things from said Babytalk when I'm not busy at work. Let me be the first to tell you that I've learned many things about many things related to birth. Babytalk goes over a lot of stuff about parenting mostly focusing on motherhood. Also, it took me at least four tries to actually read through said musical number. I'm an XY, what do you expect at my age and situation?

Actual opinion on breast feeding: Natural, the baby has to be fed. I don't know the percentages but breast feeding is something that happens out there. True that I'm not all that comfortable with seeing it as a passerby [you know what I mean], but I realize that it is something immensely important to mother and child. I think it can be essential bonding time for mom and baby. I'm no parent and there are studies about this, I just think that one shouldn't meddle with the growth of a child unless your own. This is also a matter that parents should decide what's best for their offspring. I will discuss the matter with my wife when the time comes. Right now, I will deal with it and let the moms do their thing for the kid. I can do nothing more.

Family, isn't it about time?

official citizenship to Mexinadia

"I never knew my heart existed outside make believe."
--I Saw It On Your Keyboard, Hellogoodbye

Apply Today!!



This is the basic design for a Mexinadian passport/citizenship card. This is what I did on Friday. I'm figuring out how to reproduce it in such a manner to give out to qualified applicants. Hopefully that won't take too long so you can get yours as soon as possible. I do have the application which you must paste and copy then email me when filled out.

application:

First name:

Last name:

Middle initial:

three favorite bands

favorite movie

someone famous who you apparently look like

a digital picture of yourself

a digital copy of your signature

a paragraph of why you think you deserve to be a citizen of Mexinadia

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That is all. Happy applying!

Tri-Annual Shaving Extravaganza!!

"One heap of bald maggots plus another heap of bald maggots equals two heaps of bald maggots."
--Hungarian Tongue Twister

I've figured it out




This is how it goes: I've got my hair cutting down to a system. It has been known that when I get my hair cut, I shave it. No questions asked. It wasn't until this past week that these shavings happened at regular intervals. I do it every four months. Every March, July and November to be exact. And over the past year without fail, I've unwittingly proven this fact. Also, it seems that everyone else is getting used to this and hence, reactions are of the less shocked type [it also helps that I've been planning said haircut for a week and some now]. These two pictures show what kind of pile is created every time I shave said head. That's a lot of mass. However, I do not feel much different with less hair this time. I've done this many times before and generally my head feels off center. Maybe I'm used to this. I'm okay with this. Now I'm concerned, am I more obsessed about my hair than I originally thought? That's crappy. Anyway, I'm a big fan of systems so we'll see how long this one lasts.

Oh, and I didn't find that plaster bust of Burt Reynolds. Don't know if I'm happy or sad about that.